Mysterious X

'MysteriousX' selfportrait
strobist info- 1sunpak433d-aluminum foil snoot bottom front-1/16, 1sunpak433d-ambient room-1/4 power, iso-400, 1/60, f11
camera raw multi-exposure convert, GIMP dodged/burned, layered

Several weeks ago I came across Zack Arias 'Transform', really struck a cord with me like alot of people. Like the guy because he's mostly a realist when it comes to the actuality of being a photographer truly trying to make it and not just following the regular crowd of studioboys and snapshooters who really arent trying to be creative to really carve a real name and business for themselves, just saying 'look im a photographer' for the money. I for one havent tried to place myself out in the open yet because I dont believe my work is where it should be to survive by being different or at least somewhat professionally technically proficient. I can definitely say however that I am far more advanced than 90pct buying DSLRs out there or similar expensive look-at-me cameras, but that still doesnt mean Im ready either.

That however is not the reason for my sentiments or selfportrait above. Lately Ive been delving deeply into FirstTimeUser's tumblr stream as I love old photographs and nothing these days really compares to them or the efforts that they required -that partially explains for the style of the pic above. The resonance with Z.Arias is that Ive had a * time lately, like oh say the last several years, physically, mentally, financially -and it feels like the hole just keeps going to where I cant get out of anything. Ive been constantly upset, frustrated, depressed, and hurt, ill, and sick. Im sick of the wet dreary winter and parttime minumum pay job (even though I like the place) and I seriously want spring and summer here. I want a serious career in photography because art has always been my expressive, and Im sick of being maltreated for standing up to corporate bullies for myself and others and being paid so damn * little when the work done is perhaps the most crucial elemental base of all their operation. Im sick and tired of holier-than-thou attitudes because of their financial blisses upon my back and others while they sit their * in an office or a meeting and pretend their smarter or better somehow just because of position, title, pay, or heavens- a degree. what BS- I actually have more credits and tougher ones at that, than some stupid smoodge with a business degree, let me rephrase that, a MBA at that even! I could go much further and * on the business-customer-logistics-HR psychology * those people love to throwdown on that discussion, but i wont. Lets just say ive been a psych major also and Ive worked from janitor to liason and even RD, and I do know more than the 'company man' wants their peon to know in rights, law, and corporate drivens. Enough said other than alot of you all need to sit your * down and realise what the * really goes on, stop blacklisting, and learn the difference between associate and employee, and how and where your money really comes from, and stop letting company job money become your moral fallback. MFA!
It really isnt my intention to sound like a major * here but I guess I just have the moral standard practices those specials try to tell everyone they have in practice but dont. Thats the other reason I want to be a photographer, because I dont bs, am honest tell it how it is, and respect others regardless your role or looks just so long as you try to truly work with me, without trying to angle me for your own benefit to trash me in the sewer after youre done. And no, honestly, I dont like to b*.
WOW! that was soooo not what I was wanting to type, but I want to leave it out there for others to see. Yes the studios and photographers I might try to work under or with might not appreciate it at all, but maybe the ones Im trying to photograph who are the common people of the land might actually get the gist of this, I dunno. All Im saying is I truly struggle not 'gee i struggle too..'.

I am more than a face you dont want to see. I am more than a human you dont want to call your brethren. I am more than a hooded shadow you wish not to feel in your presence and hear whisper truth into your heart. I am someone important that cares to be held and loved properly as you do. I do believe in God and living the 2 Rules as I am able. I am like a Jedi, but I do not need mind control. I try and do and fail, and yet hopefully will succeed God willing.

I am a Mystery  -an X   -an X to the n-th unknown.


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